GRAPES, ANYONE?

Hmm. I smell...



Yes! February will be here before you know it. You know what that means?

It's GRAPEMO time! Remember this?



C'mon, don't be shy. Who wants to play? :)

HAUNTED?

Maybe I've been spending too much time with my paranormal. But can you see the orbs in the picture below? Two near the center of the mantle, and one near the two pics on the wall to the right. WEIRD!

DECEMBER PICS!

Grandma and Nate on Nate's birthday (just before Christmas)


Our teeny-tiny puppy-proof Christmas tree


Hubby and Grandma


Nate, Grandma, Beth, and me on Christmas morning


Beth and me


Genevieve and Brandon ("...sitting in a tree, etc.") on New Year's Eve


Matthew, Leah, Molly, Sophia, and Hubby


Peace out, Lydia!


Pooped-out puppy on New Year's Eve

CAMPER OF THE MONTH!

Totally cool! Elijah is Camp Bow Wow's Camper of the Month!



From CBW's Newsletter: "Elijah is a one year old beagle mix who loves coming to camp! He knows he's in for a fun filled day when his owner, Jeannine, asks him if he's ready to go to Camp! He loves coming to camp so much, in fact, that one day he just couldn't wait until mom parked the car and jumped out of the open window in the parking lot and ran to the front door! Elijah has been coming to camp since he was 4 months old and it has been a lot of fun watching him grow up. He recently developed his "big dog" bark and loves gossiping with the other Campers! He also likes to help welcome new playmates to camp by lending a paw in the interview process. Elijah is at camp every Saturday and usually a day or two during the week as well and would love to help welcome your pup to Camp! Congratulations Elijah for being the January Camper of the Month!"

Squee! I am such a proud mommy today! :) :) :)

Click to find a Camp Bow Wow near you.

HAPPY NEW YEAR!

Happy 2010 to everyone, a day late. Let me just say that my whole New Year's Eve dinner sucked, though everyone was far too polite to say so (though the hors ovaries went over quite well...not homemade, of course). The lasagna burnt. The fruit salad was utterly tasteless. The idiots at  (name deleted to avoid potential litigation) Pizza forgot to put the mushrooms on my mushroom-and-onion pizza. I ended up with an ONION PIZZA. Who the h-e-double L eats an onion pizza??? The shrimp cocktail was awesome, but then, how can you screw up shrimp cocktail? I drank 2 glasses of wine and didn't even get a headache, so that was good.

Yesterday I'd planned to write all day (Santa brought me 25 free days of doggie day care! Either I was a very good girl last year, or he wasn't paying much attention) but I spent it in a coma into front of episode after episode of "Law and Order: SVU"--none of which I'd seen before because I work 3-11. And ate leftover ONION pizza for lunch and dinner.

How was YOUR holiday??? Hmm? Anyone?

P.S. Pics to come. But I am at Borders right now trying to redeem myself.

HELLOOOOOO

Still employed:                _√_

All teeth intact (see above):     _√_

Survived dog:                  _√_

Survived Thanksgiving:   _√_

Survived Christmas:         _√_

Survived New Year’s:       _√_ (pending)

Revisions completed:        ___

 

Oh, wait. “Revisions completed” seems to be lacking a _√_ .

Can that possibly be because I'm not finished with them yet?



"What? WHAT??? How dare you insinuate this novel is a hopeless cause?"



"Shh, it's okay, it's okay...she won't hit you again, I promise."

WEDNESDAY BLATHER

I haven't posted anything of relevance for a while.

I'm not about to break my record.

Seriously. I have bronchitis. I've had bronchitis for, like, for-ever. This chronic lack of oxygen is affecting my ability to do anything other than drag myself to work, drag mysself back home, occasionally post a FB note--like about THE SERIAL KILLER in my backyard; seriously, the neighbors thought the smell was coming from a sausage factory?--and sleep. Antibiotics. Antihistamine/decongestant. Cough syrup. Albuteral inhaler. Hopefully I'll be recovered in time for the BOOK FAIR this weekend. I spent 4 hrs in Urgent Care yesterday and did not come out of there with what I wanted, which was steroids--Doc-in-a-box: "You're not wheezing." Me: "But I'm not breathing either!"--but this new antibiotic seems to be doing the trick.

So I blame hypoxia for my lack of writing effort. I'll flip open a file, look at it, hack and spew all over the keyboard, hammer out a word or three, then close the file out again and laspe into a coma. I can't concentrate enough to do any further revisions on LMB. And with Rinn still out to Tina there's not much else for me to do (still awaiting the ______ sucks ______ doesn't suck verdict). Meantime I've been watching a lot of TV and oinking out on leftover Halloween candy.

LOST IN OZ

WITCH:
What a nice little dog!

JG:
What are you going to do with my dog? Give him back to me!

WITCH:
All in good time, my pretty. All in good time.

JG:
Please give me back my dog!

WITCH:
Certainly! If you give me that manuscript!

JG:
No, no, it's not finished! And my agent, the Good Witch of the North, hasn't seen it yet!

WITCH:
Very well! Winged monkey, throw that basket in the river and drown that stupid dog!

JG:
No, no, no! Here, you can have the manuscript. Just give me back Elijah!

WITCH:
There's a good little author. I knew you'd see reason.
 

J.G. HOLDS OUT MS. WITCH REACHES FOR IT & MISSES. MS LANDS ON HER  FOOT

WITCH:
ARGGH! OW,OW, OW! This thing weighs a TON!

JG:
I'm sorry. I know it's rather lengthy, but--

WITCH:
YOU BROKE MY DAMN TOE!

JG:
Can I still have my dog back?

PIANO STAIRS

See? Taking the stairs can be fun!




Thanks, Dallas, for the link. :)

BORING CELEBRITY MEMOIR

I'm currently (well, actually I've been at it a while) struggling through a memoir written by an actor I've admired my whole life. I mean seriously admired. Like, if this actor came to my town and charged upward of $200 bucks to read the Holy Bible backwards--in Czech--I'd happily pay for a front row seat.

The book s-u-c-k-s.

Okay, in all fairness, maybe "s-u-c-k-s" is too strong of a word.

How about B-O-R-I-N-G?

How about "DO-WE-HAVE-TO-KNOW-EVERY-MINUTE-DETAIL-OF-YOUR-GENEALOGCAL HISTORY?"?

Or: "IF-YOU-PAID-A-GHOST-WRITER-FOR-THIS-YOU-SHOULD-DEFINITELY-ASK-FOR-A-REFUND"?

Except I doubt this actor used a ghost writer only because this actor has written books in the past. You guessed it: children's books. Without launching into a Celebrities Who Decide To Write Children's Books rant, let me just say I wasn't impressed with those stories, either.

I checked out the reviews for this memoir on Goodreads (there are tons of them) and I'm amazed at the number of 4 and 5 starred reviews. The few 1 or 2 starred reviews all say the same thing: boring. BORING!

But the majority of the reviews are 4 and 5 stars. What??? Either y'all have a much greater attention span than me (which is quite possible these days) or you're hoping the author will read your review and send you a thank you note that you can sell on eBay.

It takes a lot for me to put down a book and never finish it. I mean, if I don't find a story positively thrilling, I'll least skim it, you know? And hope it gets better? This one is not getting better, which is an absolute shame because this actor lived a fascinating life. And I'm a fan...

no, not just a fan--a huuuuuge freeeeakin' faaaan!!! I should be mesmerized by every word.

<--tosses book into my NTBF (never to be finished) pile.

Haven't Posted for a While, but...

1. anywherebeyond has been posting Real Life Ghost Stories all month from fellow bloggers. Check it out! Today's story freaked me out.

2. Still shaking the Deadly Unknown Virus from God-Knows-Where-I-Picked-This-Up. It's all very well and good to say "stay home from work when you're sick"--my own workplace says that--except when you run out of sick days and don't get paid plus they'll still reprimand you for too many absences. Oh, yes.

3. So b/c of #2 I got nothing done this weekend, aside from a 20-hour nap.

4. Rinn is out to Tina.

5. LMB is going nowhere.

6. Grandma had her phone turned back on. Good! B/c I reallyreally missed those 27 calls each day. ;)

7. Someone asked me the other night if I've put on weight. YA THINK????

8. I need ice cream.

9. No, I don't. 10.

Ohhh, yes I do!

DOG NOTES

There are no words to describe my love for this dog, even when I'm ready to kill him.

The way he looks at me, when his ears are down and his big brown eyes go all soft...well, those of you who own dogs, you know which "look" I mean.

Yesterday we went for a long walk on the bridle trail. The woods were dense, the trees aglow in color, and all was silent save for the birds and the occasional squeak of a branch. We went off the trail for awhile and climbed a fairly steep hill...Eli bounding ahead, full of puppy energy, and me, trying to keep up, breathing in the scent of fresh fallen leaves...

Till I threw my neck out.

Note to self: You are not 15 years old anymore.

I must be under a lot of stress, because then last night I had a very sad dream: I dreamed Eli died by electrocution (don't ask) In the dream I was balled up on the floor, sobbing over and over, "My heart hurts so bad. My heart hurts so bad."

I know, right? Awwwwww!

I woke up this morning, esctatic that it was only a bad dream. And in the past hour alone, I've threatened Eli's life at least 10 times:

"Drop that checkbook or I'll kill you!"

"Drop those socks (or keys, cell, envelope, pillow, rug, whatever) or I'll kill you!"

"Drop Daddy's as-of-yet-unopened-DVD-of-1,000,000 BC-with-Raquel-Welch's-scantily-clad-heaving-bosom-on-the-cover or I'll kill you!"

He knows I don't mean it.

And, no, he doesn't drop these things, either. I practically need a crowbar to pry them loose from his jaws.

Then he gives me...

Yep, you guessed it.

That LOOK!

NORMA FOX MAZER 1931-2009

A fitting TRIBUTE to Norma Fox Mazer, who will be greatly missed.

New Release: FLASH BURNOUT

Congratulations to L.K. Madigan and the release of her new YA novel FLASH BURNOUT:



From Amazon: "Fifteen-year-old Blake has a girlfriend and a friend who’s a girl. One of them loves him; the other one needs him.

When he snapped a picture of a street person for his photography homework, Blake never dreamed that the woman in the photo was his friend Marissa’s long-lost meth addicted mom. Blake’s participation in the ensuing drama opens up a world of trouble, both for him and for Marissa. He spends the next few months trying to reconcile the conflicting roles of Boyfriend and Friend. His experiences range from the comic (surviving his dad’s birth control talk) to the tragic (a harrowing after-hours visit to the morgue).

In a tangle of life and death, love and loyalty, Blake will emerge with a more sharply defined snapshot of himself."

YAY, LISA! I am so proud of you!

"PARANORMAL ACITIVITY"

Let me go on record as say that "PARANORMAL ACTIVITY" scared the H-E-double-L out of me!

CURIOUS

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!!! REVISIONS !!!

Does it really make a difference if I write

Instead, I squeeze his hand

or

I squeeze his hand instead

???

This is exactly what slows down revisions: when the author agonizes for 10 minutes over 5 crummy words.

Or is it just me?

MY HANDSOME BOY

PHONE CO. RANT

Grandma lives in a very nice nursing home. We pay for her private telephone line. She calls us 3-4 times a day (minimum!) to tell us the same 3 things and ask the same 7 questions, but hey, it's Alzheimers and she has NO short-term memory. Yeah, it's annoying at times, but I wouldn't dream of disconnecting her phone. Just so you know.

Somebody disconnected her phone.

I find this out, first when she calls from the nurses' station to say her phone is "broken." Then I hear it again when the nurse calls to ask me why we had her phone disconnected.

Say whaaaaaaaaaat?

When I called Phone Co. they said they got a work order from the nursing home to d/c the service. The nursing home denied this, of course, and said it was a mix-up, something to do with the room numbers being changed, and the guy came to d/c the phone (presumably for someone else) and maintenance took them to the room number that wasn't really the same room number...oh, I'm shutting up right now, because the more I write this, the more ridiculous it sounds.

Anyway. My main issue is with the Phone Co. (although the person who eventually helped clear this up was very helpful and courteous, never mind I was somewhat of a bitch, no surprise).

Issue: when I called the phone company to find out what happened, I had to talk to several people--again, no surpise. Each time a new person came on the line I again had to verify my address AND the last four numbers of my SS# because the phone is in my name and the bill comes to my house.

Now here comes the big fat WTF: *I* have to verify that information repeatedly--yet my PHONE can be disconnected at the request of some maintenance man without verifying this with the person WHO PAYS THE FRIGGIN' BILL? Yeah, that's me--not the nursing home. Does that mean I can call up and, oh, I don't know, disconnect my neighbor's phone for S&G?

My secondary issue is with the NH for not double checking with me. Seriously, why would I stop her service out of the blue? Let alone without warning them? Because Grandma's wreaking havoc up there now, asking every 5 minutes what happened to her phone. And she'll be wreaking it all weekend, till they reconnect it on Monday.

I've been assured I won't be charged the installation fee. If I am, expect another rant.

BLEAHHHHH.............

I'm sick.

I had to drop Eli off at daycare because I can't deal with him today. And I have $22 in my checking accound. Daycare is $25. Oops.

I never get sick. I get migraines and stomach problems, but not this head-full-of-snot-constant-coughing-burning-chest thing that's knocked me out for the past couple days. I have an amazing resistant to illness which I always credit to working around sick people for so many years. I rarely get colds. I've never had the actual flu in my life. The respiratory kind, I mean. Not the stomach flu, which I get, oh, once every five years).I am crabby when I'm sick.

CRABBY, I tell ya!

I need Twizzlers. Or Ben and Jerry's.

CHANGES

Wonderful words about Say the Word right here from Sherwood Smith. Thank you so much!

It's true we have a long way to go. I think of how my own beliefs about certain things, particularly gay rights, have changed since I was young, sheltered, and ignorant. Then I try to multiple that by millions of people, and many more years...

And I wonder, both at the possibilities, and at the seeming im-possibilty of it all.

Still, I have hope.

Several reviewers said they disliked Shawna's character because of her initial homophobia. She fiercely resents her gay mother's second family. She's embarrassed that others may think she's gay herself. Stressed out at her mother's funeral, she even makes rude remarks about several clearly gay mourners.

Because of this, Shawna didn't "ring true."

Wait. What is true? And what exactly is the issue? That you don't believe kids act like this in real life? Or that you expected a more politically correct main character?

Because if you sincerely believe that teens/young adults in this day and age are completely immune to the homophobia instilled on them by previous generations; that they somehow instinctively "know it's wrong" to dislike or ridicule or be embarrassed by someone with a different sexual preference; that the so-called zero tolerance policy for acts of school bullying--which supposedly includes not dissing others who may or may not be gay--will miraculously turn children into the most selfless and sensitive people on earth...

Well, you must live in a world quite different from mine.

TRAUMATIZED BY A BUG

I hate roaches (with heartfelt apologizes to amanda_marrone ).

I especially hate BIG FAT ROACHES that make me SCREAM in a patient's room. Because when a nurse screams in a patient's room on a psychiatric unit, it usually means she's flat on the floor being pummeled within an inch of her life.

I didn't intend to scream. I intended--lacking any other weapons besides the soles of my favorite pink, fleece-lined Crocs--to place a Dixie cup over the roach and then...well, I dunno, I didn't think that far ahead. But when the cup hovered a few inches over the roach, the roach, who up to that point had sat there quietly contemplating the ways of the world, made a desperate beeline for my foot.

Must. Remember. Not. To. Scream.

Dr. B. ran in and squashed the roach. It took more than one stomp. Three, at least.

I can't believe I'm such a cliche! Just last week I screamed over a spider in my living room. A BIG FAT spider, too, though not as big as this roach. If that roach were any bigger it'd be pulling a Budweiser wagon.

Patient: "Hey, I'm not sleeping in this room tonight!"

I'm with you, buddy.

QUESTION

Do you ever ask yourself: "What am I if I am not a writer"?

Do you ever come up with an answer?

I was going to answer this myself.

But I can't.

I am defined by my writing.

It's all-consuming.

Endless.

2009 CYBILS

YES! It's time again for the CYBILS (Children's and Young Adult Bloggers' Literary Awards). You can nominate your favorite books starting today, through October 15th.

LAST YEAR'S WINNERS: dadtalk.typepad.com/cybils/2009/02/2009-cybils-winners.html

HOW TO NOMINATE: http://dadtalk.typepad.com/cybils/about-the-cybils-awards.html

HOP TO IT, FOLKS!

BE AFRAID!

The good news: Beth went back to work Saturday at her grooming shop which, as you may remember, burned down on Thanksgiving Day last year.

The bad news: With Beth gone during the day, not only will Elijah consume all of my time and energy, but he also has to Left Alone for several hours during the day.

OK, it's not like I didn't see this day coming. I could've prepared him a bit better by leaving him in his crate during the day on a regular basis, if only for, say, a single hour. He sleeps in his crate during the day and I do occasionally leave while he's asleep--but this is a whole new ball of dog fur.

Last time I left him for more than 15 min or so was when 's uncle passed away and we went to the wake. We were gone, oh, maybe 2 hours. Eli freaked while we were gone, ripped up his bedding, and halfway disassembled his metal crate. He's had extreme separation anxiety from day one. I attribute this to the fact that he was probably (from the smell of him) kept in a garbage can until his previous owners so thoughtfully took him out for a fun ride one day and then threw his butt into the snow at the side of the road before speeding off. Yeah, I'd have issues, too.

There will be a 2.5 hour span in which no one will be home, from the time I leave for work till Beth gets home. Today is the FIRST DAY we will have to do this. I swear he senses this already.

Beth:  Mom, dog do not have ESP.

Me: Yes they do.

Beth: No they don't *launches into explanation about dogs observing and recognizing the habits of humans, etc. *

Me (firmly, as Eli gives me his I know perfectly well what you're gonna do to me today look): ESP.

I can't even leave a comforting fuzzy/snuggly toy with him. Fuzzy toys immediately become fuzzy/snuggly snack. Nothing but rubber for this dude. As for the bed, well, he already ate the zipper so I guess there's not much else he can do ...except eat through the cover and gobble down the stuffing. I have it wrapped in a heavy blanket. He may eat that too.

I swear I was never this nervous about leaving my kids alone. The worst they could do was burn down the house. The worse Eli can do is eat his entire crate and then I'll be stuck paying for a doggie colostomy.

MOONLIGHT LACE AND MAYHEM Interview

I've been interviewed by Carrie over at the amazing MOONLIGHT LACE AND MAYHEM so please stop by and say hi if you get a chance!

GET OFF THE ROAD!

ALL

SENIOR

CITIZENS

SHOULD

HAVE

DRIVER'S

TESTS!

I don't mean the usual eye exam. I don't mean answering a few road safety questions (uh, like not straddling two lanes? not driving 15 mph in a 35 mile zone?). I mean someone in authority needs to sit his butt in the front seat with that driver, take 'em out on a main road during rush hour, and see what happens. This should be MANDATORY!

Also mandatory:

The ability to see over the steering wheel. Geriatric booster seats or whatever.

The abililty to HEAR me blasting my horn at them.

The ability to distinguish colors.

The ability to remember that for the past several decades it's perfectly legal to turn right on red. Even on green.

The ability to steer in a straight line.

Depth perception. I'm really not six feet ahead of you. More like six inches.

Maybe some ecological awareness? Because my dinky 32 mpg Saturn (10 yrs old, 157k) won't stand a chance against your big honking, gas-sucking (16 mpg) yacht-sized Lincoln Continental if you hit your accelerator instead of the brake.

Oh, yeah. And a brain with the ability to send--in a split second--the correct messages to your feet.

Disclaimer: As I'm slowly creeping in that direction myself, I feel perfectly justified in complaining about this. Someone needs to take the initiative to get these menaces OFF my THE ROAD! If someday I have to join them, then so be it. I only pray one of my kids has enough sense (and guts) to say "Mom, I wuv you--but your driving sucks. You're old. You're dangerous!" and take my keys away forever. Independence be damned. I don't want to kill someone.

I know people may argue that young drivers are just as bad. But if given the choice of sharing the road with a teenager with his temporary permit, and a 90-year-old guy on Aricept with his nose on the wheel, who would you pick?

So...Mandatory Yearly Road Tests for drivers over age 70? Bi-yearly for >75? Daily test drives for anyone >80?

C'mon, young'uns. Who's with me?

____ Yay

____ Nay

"Viva la Vida" Lawsuit

So how do you suppose they "settled" this lawsuit?

COLDPLAY vs. SATRIANI

Puppy Love

I just love my dog! <3





Please remind of this later...

Horrorscope

I clicked on my horoscope this morning and it said: "Welcome to the new Tarot.com, Nadine!"

Um, who's Nadine? I know a Nadine. But I am not her, uh, she, uh, whatever.

"But don't think that you can reach your goals now; it's better to wait until the squall passes and your life calms down."

Whose goals? Whose squall? Mine or Nadine's? If it's my squall, and I wait for it to "pass" before reaching my goals, I'll be hunting-and-pecking away in some squalid Medicaid nursing home, tied to a 30-year-old wheelchair without any foot rests.

I'm confused.

I went to Borders yesterday and worked from 5 p.m. till they kicked me out at closing. They have free Wi-Fi now which is not a good thing. Luckily, the connection there sucks. After getting bumped off 2 or 3 times I remembered the real reason I was there: to "reach my goals."

Or Nadine's goals.

One of ours, anyway.

Sincerely,

Nadine Jen