Saturday, August 8, 2009


Okay, the BEST way to edit is to read the manuscript out loud. Seriously, you (well, me anyway) find so many errors that you miss when you read it on the computer. Of course it helps to have someone to read it TO--otherwise you just sit there reading out loud to yourself and get really weird looks from people who do much weirder things than read out loud to themselves.

Like talk on blue tooths behind you in line at Starbucks, so when you turn around and go "Pardon me?" and they keep on blabbing, you decide they're schizophrenic and quite clearly off their meds, so you quickly step a safe distance away.

Then you notice the blue tooth and wanna punch 'em in the nose.

Yeah, I'm cranky. I've been cranky since a trip to the grocery store (Big Bird) yesterday. Ticked off from moment I parked my car. NOT in the "expectant mothers" space, either. Because it was taken.

1. Before I even get through the doors there's somebody standing there blocking my way. WHY are you standing in the freaking doorway? Did you forget if you're coming in or going out? You don't have a cart. GET OUT OF MY WAY!

2. Two-for-the-price-of-one dog toys--and there was only one left. Ask me if I bought it. Elijah would love it. It didn't occur to me till later that they'd probably charge me half price. But seeing that TWO FOR THE PRICE OF ONE sign with only ONE TOY LEFT ticked me off. So I bought a different toy instead.

Which Eli ignores.

3. I love when I grab a food item out of a case, turn around to put it in my cart, and--you guessed it--someone ELSE is blocking my way. Standing right between me and my cart. Why are YOU in my way? I should wear a T-shirt: "PLEASE NO NOT SNEAK UP ON THE PSYCH NURSE." Does the term "boundaries" mean anything to these people?

4. The whole wheat bread I like (I lost 13 pounds since switching to whole grain and shedding my Mrs. Butterton habit of using one stick per bagel) was over $3 a loaf. I....don'!!!

5. The self-serve check-out lines were full (that figures) so I moved to an EMPTY full-serve one. The cashier dude looks 14.

"Did you find everything?"

What if I said "Oh, no, wait! I need a box of Depends--can you grab one for me?" would he leave his post? Fact: I am standing in line. Obviously I found everything or I'd still be wandering the aisles listening to Barry Manilow.

He rings up one item--then says "I'll be right back" and rushes off. In the middle of ringing me up!

Stand, wait, tap my foot. Dude returns after a couple minutes which is a damn long time when you're standing in line.


Uh-huh. So he rings up most of my stuff, and pauses at the dog toy. He picks it up. He holds it up to the light. He shakes it. He studies it. He does everything but lick it.

"What's this?"

"Uh, it's a dog toy?" I mean, jeex, there's even a picture of a doggy on the label, in case you can't tell by looking at it.

"What's it do?"

"It's a toy."

"Yeah, but what's it do?"

"I may never know."

Whoosh! Right over his head. He shakes it again and throws it in a bag. THEN he commits the mortal sin of asking me if I want my milk in a bag. I liked it better when they'd say "Paper or Plastic?" because then I could stand there and look at the plastic bags, then the paper bags, then the plastic bags again, and ask "Mmm, I don't know...which is better?" just to see what they'd say. Now it's all plastic. Helloooooo, mighty landfills.


(I admit I kind of obsess over this "milk-in-a-bag" thing)

He finishes ringing me up, takes 15 seconds to count out the right change, and says, "Come again!" Yeah, hopefully on his day off.

So I was cranky yesterday, and cranky today, and I'll probably be crankycrankycranky till my next day off so I can get back to work on my second revision. I think that's Tuesday.

Or maybe Wednesday.

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