Wednesday, August 8, 2007


Ohhh, gawd. Once again I'm Britneyed-out.

Clue to the media: Not that I care, but NOBODY will take Britney’s kids away because she almost dropped one and let another one fall out of a high chair, did not use a car seat, lets ‘em guzzle Pepsi in their baby bottles, shaved her head before she went to rehab, flashed her cooch, flashed her boobs, and cleaned up dog poop with a multi-thousand-dollar gown. The list goes on and on. There are millions of hookers, crackheads, criminals, and lunatics who get to keep their kids. No, she’ll never win mother-of-the-year. But seriously, who cares? Is nothing else happening in the world? How close are we to getting those poor guys out of that mine? How about those cars under the Mississippi River?


I took my daughter out of her car seat once while, yes, the car was moving. It was either that, or plow into a cement divider to stop her from screaming.

I didn't "almost" drop one. I really did drop one. Well, I let him roll off a table. Luckily I broke his fall. And another one rolled her tricycle down four steps and whacked her head. I'm surprised a SWAT team of social workers didn't cordon off my house.

I didn't put Pepsi in my babies' bottles but I did give them cranberry juice which is loaded with sugar.

Although I never shaved my head, I've thought about it. I've had some pretty hideous haircuts in my life. Occasionally I come close to pulling it out by the roots. Oh, and I had an Afro once and I'm not even black.

I've never been to rehab. If I had, I'd tell you. People go to rehab so they can hang onto their kids, duh.

I never flashed my down-under (at least not that I remember). But I took my bra off on the Ferris wheel at Cedar Point one summer. I also fell out of a tube top at Mentor Headlands beach. People noticed. So yes, I guess that qualifies as a boob-flash.

Not counting museums, I've never been in the same room with a multi-thousand-dollar gown so no, I never did that dog poop thing. But I did step in cat vomit in a pair of $12 pantyhose.

Guess what? Nobody tried to "rescue" my kids. Amazing, isn't it?

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