Spaz du Jour

I started going back to Big Bird for groceries since I (belatedly) discovered the self-serve line. No loooooooooong lines. You zap your stuff through, swipe your card, grab your receipt, and you're outta there. No ninety-year old baggers whining because they have to lift a case of beer. No room-temperature IQers stuffing Cascade on top of your lettuce. No idiots asking "Do you want your milk in a bag?" I plan to have a tee shirt made specifically for trips to this store: YES I WANT MY DOGDAMNED MILK IN A BAG!

Then, alas, I try to buy potatos. I usually buy six at a time because we don't eat them that fast and shrively potatos with sprouting roots have a tendancy to make me gag. The potatos aren't marked, and I wonder, how does the scale at the self-serve checkout know what you're weighing? I guess you punch in numbers. But there are no stickers on these potatos.

Maybe the scale is MAGIC!

So, reluctantly, I stand in line the regular checkout. When my turn comes along--like, thirty minutes later and I desperately have to pee and I've already broken into my case of Aquafina which, yes, the decrepit old bagger just HAS to sneer at--the dude says, "Hey, I haven't seen you for a while."

Me: "I use the self-serve now. But I didn't know how to ring up the potatos."

Dude: "Oh."

Me: (waiting for him to enlighten me)

Dude: (doesn't enlighten me)

Me: "Um, so how do I DO it?"

Dude: "Do what?"

Me: (nicely) "Ring up the potatos?"

Dude: "You hit 741." Or maybe he said 471. Or 174. Or 666.

Me: "How do I KNOW I'm supposed to hit 741?" Ya know, like, is there a CHART somewhere? Anything? What if I want to buy cherries? Onions? Turnips? A rutabaga?

Dude: "Because I just told you."

Me: .........

Old Bag(ger): "Ya want your milk in a bag?"