Tuesday, September 25, 2007

"Enforcing" Healthy Lifestyles?

Well, one place I'll never work at is the Cleveland Clinic. Not only do they test randomly for nicotine--What if a non-smoker rides to work with a smoker? What if you're trying to quit and wear a nicotine patch? I'd have to carry one in my purse for those special occasions when the armed guards hand me a plastic cup and march me to the toilet.

But now they've eliminated all the "good" stuff from their vending machines.

Good stuff meaning all your favorite JUNK FOOD!

"Current vending machine requirements have changed, and AVI, our supplier, is totally participating. Every choice in the vending machine now has to have less than 250 calories, less than 35 percent fat except fat with high monounsaturated fat content such as nuts or seeds, less than 10 percent saturated fat, less than 0.5 g of trans fat, less than 200 mg of sodium, and added sugars must be less than 25 percent of total calories."

Which means you are left with peanuts, Kashi bars, lowfat "baked" potato chips--a sacrilege if there ever was one--and possibly trail mix, though it seems to me trail mix may be pretty high up there on the fat scale (I don't know and I don't have the energy to check because I haven't yet met my daily requirement of 2,000 carb grams and 5,500 fat grams).

My sources tell me, however, they still have sugar sweetened soda (that'll probably be next to go). Oh! Oh! Oh! And a McDonald's off the main lobby! The fumes from that place alone can clog your carotids.

Sometimes the only thing that gets me through a shift, aside from 6-8 cups of Seattle's Best, is a couple of frozen Snickers bars (or Almond Joys or Twix or whatever happens to be handy) and a fistful of Twizzlers--okay, TWO fistfuls--to say nothing of ice cream.

My thoughts are:

1. Those poor nurses, deprived of fat and sugar, will undoubtedly deteriorate into stumbling zombies. Their normally sweet and sunny dispositions will take a major nosedive. These are the same people who, one day, will come into your room and jab you with needles at regular intervals. Do you want us to be unhappy? Do you wants our endorphin levels to sink so low that we have to find new and unusual ways to boost them back up again? Ask any serial killer what boosts their endorphin levels.

2. Black market goodies! OMG, I would make a killing in that place! Buy it in bulk from Sam's Club and sell it under the table. Of course there are probably Rules Against This. I'd have to be very discreet:

Pssst! Whatcha got today?

Mm, let's see...how about a Musketeers. It's fluffy, not stuffy.

I don't want fluffy! I want substance! I got seven admissions coming in today, I haven't had a lunch, I'm surrounded by frickin' idiots, and--

Okay! Okay!
Glancing around... Shh...I have one. Snickers. Bar. Left.

Oh, thank God, thank God!
The poor thing is actually sobbing. How much?

Five bucks.

Pause... Five BUCKS? Are you nuts?

Points to vending machine. Why dontcha go buy yourself a carob bar? It's pasty. Not tasty.

Grumble, grumble But, b-but...willya take three-fifty? I'm trying to hold some back for the cigarette lady.



Four-twenty-five, and--
Long suffering siiiiiigh! --I'll throw in a peppermint patty.


3. Will they eventually spot-check for sugar? If you pee on a stick and it turns purple, does that mean you're fired? What about random BMI measurements? Breath-a-lyzers that pick up the scent of chocolate? A Goodie Gestapo to search you at the door? "Achtung! You vill now OPEN YOUR LUNCHBOX! Schnell! Schnell!"

4. Why IS that McDonald's still there? Think about it.

5. Is anyone ELSE sick of people trying to tell you how to live your life?

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